The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author alone and do not necessarily represent the position of ZU Media or APU
Some people say that getting engaged in college is foolish, but a recently engaged student begs to differ.
I am a junior at Azusa Pacific University and I got engaged this past summer. Did I do it because I sort-of love this woman and just want my passions stamped out? No.
Before coming to APU, I thought the normal stream of early adulthood was to apply to colleges, enroll in one and work hard to earn a degree. If you happen to find someone you love along the way, then get married once school is over. This was not the stream of thought the majority of my peers had.
Many of the people I grew up with in La Puente, California got married a year out of high school. This was considered normal. When my fiancé and I told some of our friends we were getting married after undergrad, they asked, “Why not get married sooner?” As a matter of fact, our pastor asked us this very question a few weeks after we got engaged.
As a Hispanic male, I have learned that you are expected to mature quickly. Additionally, you are also expected to get married young and fast. My grandparents got married after a mere four months of dating! You would think they would have been miserable within five years of their marriage, but they have been happily married for fifty-one years. Of course, their situation was way outside the norm, even for the Chicano culture of the 1950’s, but their lives have modeled what love looks like for me.
Getting married at a relatively young age can be a great experience. However, there are many who say that it can be incredibly harmful.
If you are an APU student, then I assume you have heard the phrase “ring by spring.” It is an expression that is mentioned everywhere from freshman orientation to morning chapels. Those who use the phrase are describing what is often considered a negative aspect of dating culture on Christian campuses.
The ring by spring stereotype is perpetuated by Christian college students heading into their social circles in search of their spouse. Once they find a reasonable mate, they attempt to set a new world record for the shortest courtship and get engaged within months of dating. Why do young Christian students do this? The answer is rooted in bad, scriptural exposition.
Paul affirms that sex is lawful as long as it is within the context of marriage. He writes advice to single people, encouraging them to remain so. According to 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, they should only marry if they cannot control their passion.
In order to comprehend the ring by spring culture, one must look at the verse where Paul advocates for marriage in a special situation. ‘Ring by spring’ often tells sexually driven college students, who are taught from a young age to resist sex outside of marriage, to marry someone they moderately love to have their unhindered passions quenched. This is problematic and stems from a false theology of marriage.
Marriage is not to be a backup plan for uncontrolled lust. Paul, in his apostolic authority, was answering a question which the Corinthians had written to him concerning sex, yet the concession, not commandment, in his response has been falsely used for marriage at large.
Am I saying Paul’s writing cannot be applied to the dating scene of a Christian college? Of course not. But we also must view the Bible’s other sayings concerning marriage in order to have a holistic view of this beautiful covenant. We cannot base our opinions off of one verse.
As for me and my fiancé, we did not feel pressured to marry, contrary to popular opinion of couples our age. I believe we are among the exceptions to the ‘ring by spring’ culture on Christian college campuses. We love one another and feel as though we are ready for our next step in God’s ordained plan.
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I believe that the majority of couples in the college-age group may not be prepared for marriage. This is evident by a lack of fiscal responsibility among college-aged individuals. Many students who take out loans to cover tuition costs do not have a plan to pay them off, which has contributed to $1.6 trillion in student loan debt nationally. This does not mean that they will never be prepared to manage a marriage and a household, but it does serve to show that a fair amount of us are living for the moment.
While my financial situation does not differ from most people my age, I am happy to say my relationship is different from a typical college relationship. I have been with my fiancé for nearly a decade. We have experienced great moments of rejoicing and low moments of sorrow; we have matured and grown together.
There are few couples I know of who are like us, especially at our age and stage in life. Because we got together so young, we matured quickly. We learned that our actions, emotions and words greatly affected one another — for better or for worse. As a result of this, we had to make personal changes in order to best serve one another. This is something not all college couples I know of have come to fully realize or openly embrace.
I remember being awestruck by the immaturity of some of my classmates during my freshman year. Professors frequently told students to be quiet during lectures, and my classmates would often complain about assignments and talk behind the professors’ backs. I couldn’t believe that this was happening at a Christian university.
I quickly learned that although the vast majority of us are over the age of 18, not all have become adults. This is not necessarily a bad thing. A part of our souls should always remain childlike for the entirety of our lives. But that’s just it, only a part of them should.
James Macatangay, an APU alum, said there were benefits to engagement in college. However, his main concern was regarding “the naivety of college kids … which leads many ‘ring by springers’ to rush things and plan poorly for the future.”
“It seems the ‘ring by spring’ culture paints an unrealistic, grandiose view of marriage akin to the unrealistic things we might see on TV,” Macatangay said. “I come from a broken home and I’ve seen that this is a very easy way to perpetuate broken, toxic homes once the honeymoon phase wears off.”
Macatangay’s claim is valid. His lived experience informs him that getting married prior to sufficient, individual maturation and relational development is a bad way to form households.
When asked if he thought there was an ideal time for a couple to get married, Macatangay offered great insight.
“My general rule is when true honesty and communication between them is unquestionable. There is no specific ‘when’ in which this happens, but the longer, the better,” Macatangay said. “Ultimately, they should have a plan to exist as a single, independent unit that is capable of managing their careers, finances, children, and overall future.”
This is the mark which James kindly concedes. While many couples are ill-equipped to begin their marital lives right out of college, their decision to marry is very much dependent upon their ability to manage their relationship and lives well. This is not necessarily dependent on age.
“Evaluating how well you know your partner, your relationship certainty, what you’re expecting marriage will do to your relationship, and what you see as the current and anticipated quality of a relationship could be more useful ways to judge if it’s truly time to take the plunge,” wrote Theresa DiDonato, Ph.D. for Psychology Today. Just like James explained, this statement has very little to do with age.
After going through three years of college, I feel as if I have prepared myself well for the world. My grades are higher than what I initially expected them to be. I have saved money and invested into the stock market. I am enjoying school, striving to attain the mark of Christ and am now engaging in premarital preparation.
I say this all in confidence that I have never felt pressured by my Hispanic, Christian culture to get married too quickly. I want to get married because I love my partner and we have discerned that we are at a place where we can do so successfully.
If you feel pressured to get married prematurely, then talk this out with your romantic partner. There is no other reason that the two of you should become one flesh unless you have an unshakable love and commitment to one another that is wholeheartedly submitted to the Lord.
If you’re ready to commit to marriage, enjoy this stage! Getting engaged is awesome, but remember that it is only the beginning of your life together.
Below is a photo gallery of recently engaged APU students and alums that submitted their photos to the magazine:
